You Can Chase Your Dreams, Just Don’t Run Away from Your Responsibilities

Part of my volunteer experience involves working with a group of men who have a common cause to help mentor young men in a way that they recognize the responsibilities that God has for them. This group of men represents a broad swath of the economic landscape. They include business leaders, those in sales, instructors, scientists, and councilors. It sounds like a mixed bag of interests, and in a way, it is. However, we have a common focus: to live our lives in a way Jesus would live our lives. We have noticed a trend in our own personal networks where there has been a lack of mature, responsible young men coming into the work force and/or volunteer arena. This wasn’t something that we intended on focusing with our time, but it was more of a product of discussion… over time. Recently, it seems there has become more of an epidemic for young men to accept their responsibilities. This has become most clearly evident with employers trying to find “good help”.

Our group has been meeting for several years, discussing numerous topics from a biblical nature. We started our gatherings as a way to make ourselves better: Better husbands. Better fathers. Better employees. Better business owners. Better leaders in our communities. The thought was, as we got better, those around us would become better as well. 

The World Doesn't Need More Words

Flipping through the channels this weekend, I skimmed across an interview where the interviewee made the following statement: “we are drowning in words, while starving for wisdom.” I kept channel surfing, but the statement stuck. It wouldn’t leave my head. I slept, woke up, worked, played with my kids, kissed my wife, and it was still there. I have learned that in these moments, when something won’t leave my brain that was so random, God is trying to tell me something….

Kids Without Parental Controls

We got satellite TV recently. Before you start congratulating us, you should know we have intentionally been without satellite/cable for almost 4 years. During that time, our TV experience was exclusively streamed service via the internet. Our primary service was Netflix, and loved every minute of it. 

We controlled what our kids watched. 

We didn’t watch commercials. 

We could watch entire seasons of a show. 

It got to the point where when our kids went over to friends’ houses that didn’t have streaming services, they ended up saying things like, “oh, you have to watch commercials…” It was awesome.

Unfortunately, our new house is considered “in the middle of nowhere” by most, including all local cable subscribers and high speed internet providers. Therefore, we got satellite TV with internet.

Probably the most interesting thing I have found so far with the service we got was the parental controls. You type in a code that locks out all the adult channels, provides limits on TV time, sets up access to kids only channels, and a plethora of other features. And that got me thinking……

I don’t want parental controls. What I want is for my children to not even want to do things that parental controls limit. 

I want them to not want to watch porn.

I want them to limit their own TV time. 

I want them to turn the channel when they see things they know are inappropriate.

For that matter, I want them to walk away when the conversation goes sour. 

I want them to stand up for the guy who is getting made fun of in the youth group. 

I want my daughter to call me to come pick her up when her date is being inappropriate.

And that is hard as a parent. Its exhausting. Why? Because you have to give up the things you want to do, and get to KNOW them. We have to do things they want to do. We have to put down our phones, A LOT, look them in the eye, and listen to them. Talk to them. Make them answer us. Tell them what is right. Over and over and over. Understand how and why God brought them into this world and point them in that direction, instead of trying to make carbon copies of ourselves. 

I want a child who doesn’t need parental controls to make wise decisions, to stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves, and to say no when the time comes.

Want a Healthy Marriage? Read the Song of Solomon (with your spouse)

The Song of Solomon is one of those books in the bible that, for many of us who grew up in church, well, we look at it as awkward. It’s like we go, “what do we do with that?” And I think it is because of that very question (and a few others) that the church should spend a consistent amount of time teaching from it each year.

Technological Detox, and a Little Snowboarding

For over a decade, Michelle and I have been taking a ski trip to Snowshoe, WV almost every winter. For a snowboard fanatic like myself, it’s a great place within relative driving distance here in the southeast. It takes a while to get there, but once there, it is nothing but snowboarding, sleeping, snowboarding, eating, and more snowboarding. For me, this is a hint as to what heaven will be like.

My Take On Resolutions

For years I made a conscious effort to workout at a local gym wherever I lived. I felt that taking care of one’s body was one of the most important parts of a person life. With that in mind, I would always get frustrated around this time of year (January). I would show up at my local gym, and it was always more crowded than usual. But I didn’t have to wait too long for the crowds to dwindle. Usually around the end of February, first of March I would only see the regulars again. This observation over time is one of many that made me decide to not do New Year’s Resolutions. I could only see people that failed at them, and since I didn’t want to be a failure, I wouldn’t make any resolutions. It wasn’t until later that learned how important it was to set goals for myself.

 

2012 Version of No Heat November

Well, it’s another November and our family is celebrating it with “No Heat November”. Yes, that’s right, no heat. For the month of November we intentionally do not turn on our central heating.  I wrote about where this concept came from last year (thanks Mom!).

Prioritizing Your Life

A while back Michelle and I celebrated 15 years of marriage. 15 years is a long time, and we decided to do something very special to celebrate this achievement. We went to Walt Disney World! I know, it seems kind of cliché, but it really was a great trip. My wife is so awesome….

No Heat November

We went the entire month of November without turning our heat on. Actually, we went for over two months, but with October having such comfortable weather, I didn’t think I could really count it.

A while back I was having a conversation with my mom about how we had not turned our central unit on for a couple of weeks. I was bragging about how low my electric bill was going to be, when she reminded me (yet again) how she grew up with no AC, no heating unit except a wood stove, and even woke up with snow on her quilt a few times because her windows wouldn’t stay shut sometimes (and she walked to school uphill, both ways….). This conversation turned into a friendly battle of the wills over the next few weeks. At one point, my own brother called my son to ask him to sneak over and turn the air on so that I would lose!

The first week or so were kind of fun, with the kids bundling up “for dinner”, or David even sleeping in his regular clothes (not pajamas) for the next day. We even showed them how to take advantage of heat from the sun by opening the shades and front door when the sun was shining on it. Probably the funniest part was when Abby was doing laundry one night, and left the laundry room door open. She said, “at least the heat from the dryer will help!”

But I’ll be the first to admit that the last few days were the toughest. The night before we turned on our heat, the outside temperature got down to 28 degrees F. Honestly, I was more afraid of my pipes freezing, than I was of being cold. My reasoning was that I didn’t want to create more of a headache with pipes bursting just by trying to go as long as I could without heat.

We learned a lot from this experience. It may not seem like much, particularly since millions wake up each morning without heat, but we as a family learned a little more about what we can do without. We are one of those whacko families that don’t have cable, one TV (in the living room), and actually tell our kids to go outside and play. I don’t budget for a car payment; because I don’t want to have debt of any kind. Michelle and I do our best to actually sit down at the dinner table and ask our children about their day. We are far from perfect, as our lives are quite busy, but we do our best to be intentional about consistent activities in the home. I hear way too often how that I deprive my children of “advances in technology” and the “nicer things in life”. I just don’t believe that is true. One deprives a child when they take away what the child truly wants: one on one time with their parents. I don’t choose to have one TV because I think it will rot my kids’ brain (even though there is some truth to that). I have only one TV so that I, as a parent, have fewer distractions that keep ME from interacting with my kids.

If you are reading this, then I am certain there is something you could intentionally give up in your life right now. The concept is quite biblical. It’s called fasting, and it’s not just for food. It is for anything that has a hold on us that would keep us from focusing on God first. A while back, I fasted from social media. A friend of mine fasted from coffee. It may be that you need to fast from exercising for a time period, because you have the wrong motivation for doing it. The point is that you fast from something, and do it regularly. It helps us to keep our focus on where it needs to be.

Just so we are clear: Michelle and I can afford to turn on our heat (mom, if you are reading this). The main reason we went this long without any heat was to keep us focused on the fact there were those who could not turn on heat, even if they wanted to. We got some real good discussions from our kids through this experience. David wanted to know how we could help those who didn’t have any heat. Abby did too, and then she asked, “so what are we giving up next?” It’s a good question, and one that I don’t have an answer for just yet. But I will throw it to you: What can you give you up for a season?

First Day of School

School started for us yesterday.

Abby’s first day was about like most kids her age. We got up, she put on her new clothes, hopped in the car, and mom snapped pictures at every turn. In our house, its tradition that I take them to school on the first day. We get to the co-op, and I ask her, “you want daddy to walk you to your classroom?” Abby responded, in classic Abby fashion, “No, I’ll be ok. I know where it is. Besides, you need to get work.” And with that, her highly independent self hopped out of the car, waved good bye, and skipped off to class. Of course, dad is struggling to keep it together as he drives off to work, wondering what happened to his little girl….

David’s experience was slightly different. His actually began the night before. He and I were tag teaming a mountain of legos in the middle of his room that had gotten out of hand the previous day. We bantered back and forth about expectations for this year, since he would be at home all the time. He seemed excited and ready for the next step in his education. I told him one of my expectations for him this year was for him to read 1 chapter out of the bible, on his own, each day. He seemed pretty cool with that:

“So, like, I can just pick up the bible, pick out a verse and just read it? Like, turn to Exodus 10, and just READ it?!” he asked.

“No, I think a bible plan is in order. Pick a section like the Psalms, or the first 5 books of the bible, or the gospels.” I responded. After some debating and negotiating, we finally decided he would start in Matthew. Then, almost like out of the blue he said, “I wish I could be dropped off for my first day of school….” I stopped what I was doing, because this had the feeling of “one of those moments” parents wait for.

“What do you mean?” I asked. “You are going to be home schooled 100% this year. You don’t get to be dropped off at school.” And then, almost flippantly I added, “What, you want me to drive around the block, and drop you off at the house?!”

Amazingly, he looked up at me in genuine excitement. “Please, dad. Would you do that?!”

And so we did. David got up in the morning, got dressed “for school”, grabbed his book, jumped in the car, and mom snapped pictures. I drove him around the block, pulled into the driveway, and he jumped out, “see you dad. Have a great day at work.”

To me, the review of the first day is also really cool. That afternoon, Abby came up to me, “Daddy! I got to go to gymnastics! What do you think of my gymnastics outfit? My teacher this year is really sweet. She likes rules, though. We spent almost ALL DAY on rules…. HEY! 2 of my friends from last year are in my class! We did a devo on what makes God happy. I am going to finish all my ‘Tuesday work’ today. I got to swing on the bars and do hand stands in gymnastics today! That was fun!” For her, she summed up her day in 5 minutes. Things were good.

David’s experience was different. He got his work done by lunch. That has been his goal all summer. After lunch, he began getting his stuff ready for football practice. He is a starting safety on defense and a backup running back on offense. He likes to be prepared, and early; WAY early. Sometime during the morning, however, Michelle checks in on him, and he was reading the bible. He was on chapter 3 of Matthew. He had decided it was so good, he wanted to continue the story. When Michelle told me that, it took a bit for dad to keep it together, as he wondered what happened to his little boy.... Things were good. Things were real good.

I hope your first day of school experience was just as cool as mine.

Colorful Language

My son was recently invited by local high school football team to review film. He started playing football, and one of his homework assignments by his coach was to review film (watch football games), and pick out his position. At ten years old, you would have thought he had been invited by a team from the NFL. He arrives at their practice one afternoon, opens the car door, and is met with some rather colorful language from the coaches. “that’s the @#$%@#! play I have ever seen run!”, was just an inkling of what he overheard. At one point, he turned to his mom and said, “mom, he used the ‘s’-word!” (S-word in our house is “shut up”) Anyway, after the initial shock from all the yelling, David happily spent a few hours with the coaching staff reviewing last year’s films, and they did an excellent job of helping him pick out his current position.

But this experience got me thinking. What words do you use in your house? What words would your kids say are used in your house? For instance, is the word “Jesus” used frequently? If so, in what context? Is it, “and Jesus is the Savior of the World, and He loves you very much!” or is it: “Jesus. Just get up stairs and get in bed!” If it’s the latter, I doubt your kids are looking around for Jesus to walk up the stairs….

We have to be real careful about our language, and we cannot take it for granted. Recently, I gave a speech at a graduation banquet. The title of my talk was, “Don’t be Stupid”. The point was that as young people they have a lot of opportunities, but as they make stupid decisions, they start running out of opportunities. Hence, don’t be stupid. During my talk, a young little guy about 5 or 6 had had enough of my use of the word. He was sitting rather close to the front and interrupted me, “we don’t say stupid in my house.” I was caught off guard, and was truly inspired. The reason is that I know this family personally, and can honestly say that they do not use that word, as well as many others that would be frowned upon. I was encouraged that the child felt so strongly about it that he decided to make his issues known to me in public! Something that I took so matter-of-fact-like, he took very strongly.

As parents, we have to be cognizant of the fact that our kids are watching us all the time, even when they are not. I hear my phrases coming out of son these days; some good, some not so good. But he and his sister are only mimicking what they think is appropriate. All kids do this. So we as parents need to show them what appropriate communication is. That is why consistent bible studies are so important. And it’s not sitting everyone down every night for a bible time, although that isn’t a bad idea. It can also be talking at the table, songs you listen to, shows you watch, the reason for why you are not going to put that purchase on the credit card, and a litany of others. Be intentional about teaching your children what good communication looks like. Show them by speaking and acting the way Jesus would want you to.

Father's Day 2011

This year’s Father’s Day was really awesome. I got to experience all sorts of things throughout the whole weekend. I was gone all week prior on business, so coming home on Friday, knowing I was spending the weekend with the family, made it even more special.

When I walked through the door Friday afternoon, my little girl met me in the hall with one of the biggest hugs I had ever received! “Daddy! I missed you sooooooo much! Oh! I got you a present for Father’s Day!” she said with such enthusiasm. She skipped out of the room, and came back with a delivery box….. “I know you like jetski parts, and this is what I got you!” You see, at the beginning of the week I ordered a few parts for my jetski. But what I didn’t know is that in a conversation with Michelle a few days prior, Abby makes an offhand comment that she was going to get me jetski parts for Father’s Day, because I like jetski parts. When the box showed up on Friday, she brought it to Michelle wanting to know what it was. Michelle said her face was priceless when she announced it was in fact jetski parts for me!

Saturday morning I was awoken to my son and daughter “steam rolling” and body slamming me to “get up!” Everyone gets out of bed, we get dressed, and head to Farragut Church for VBS work. We dropped Michelle off at the building, and then the kids took me out for a Father’s Day breakfast. It was absolutely wonderful. After breakfast we head back to the church for a couple of more hours of VBS work, then it is out to run some last minute errands.

Afterword, we head over to our friends, whose quads are having a party celebrating turning 5. I was actually told by one of them (I think it was Jonathan) that they were in fact 4 on Saturday, but would turn 5 in a few days. The tone was such that he did not fully approve of the party not being on the actual birth date, but that it would suffice since he was part of it….. Jim and Allison are awesome people, and I am grateful to God that they are in our lives. Since this is a Father’s Day post: Jim is a great dad who works tirelessly being a Christian example for his kids, loving his wife, supporting his family, and being a great friend. After the quad’s party, it was back to the church to clean up for worship in the morning.

Sunday morning, Michelle rolled over and quietly whispered, “Happy Father’s Day” in my ear. Very cool, very sexy, and very awesome. Have I mentioned before how awesome my wife is? I was then (shock and awe here) awoken by two little ones “trying” to sneak into bed with us. My son said something that resembled “Happy Father’s Day”, while he burrowed himself under the covers and pillows. Abby just came in, crawled under the covers, and went back to the sleep.

After worshipping with my family (something we don’t get to do very often since Michelle I and have commitments on Sunday mornings), we rush out of church to grab lunch just as a family. And afterwards, I know you find this hard to believe, but we headed back to church for the last preparations of Farragut Church’s VBS 2011, “Dive In”. Let me throw out a shamelss plug for our congregation at this point: Farragut Church is absolutely amazing. If you are in the area this week, come by and check out how BIG we do VBS. Seriously, words can not describe how much of a production we put on. Oh, did I mention that my smoking hot wife was in charge of it this year? Yeah, its going to be awesome....

After we were done, Michelle and I led a devotional with the college students. I love these guys (and gals). They are young adults beginning to make their mark in the world. Michelle and I do our best to mentor them, as well as, work with their parents in making sure they (the college students) are hearing what God has to say about all kinds of topics. I am truly honored to not only be tasked with teaching them, but also calling many of them friends.

And finally, I got to reflect on the fact that the Scott family is coming to visit this weekend. They arrive on Friday, and I can’t wait. David and Stacey are in the process of raising some amazing God loving boys that are going to make the world a better place. But it is not only how they are raising their boys that is so awesome, but it is also how they impact their neighborhood. Their home is truly a beacon of light in what is sometimes a very dark place. Although we named our David from David out of the bible, my David sometimes comments that he was named after Mr. David (David Scott), and I am ok with that. Outside of my David, I don’t know of a better David!!

If you are a dad, or have a dad, I hope your Father’s Day was enjoyable, and filled with memorable experiences that you can take for years to come.

Ghana Mission, 2011

I wanted to pass on some internet information in regards to Michelle’s Mission trip to Ghana. Our congregation partners with the Village of Hope in Ghana, West Africa. You can visit their website: http://www.gwam.org/welcome.html While there, our mission team do their best to blog about the experiences. The internet connections are not the most stable, so there may not be a lot of responses. The blog for their experiences is here: http://farragutchurch.blogspot.com/. It should give you an idea into what they experience and what they offer during the week.

The mission team is made up of doctors, nurses, optometrists, dentists, engineers, preachers, teachers children, and of course one very special PT (that would be Michelle). They run the medical clinic for a week that has been established by the Village of Hope and numerous sponsors from around the globe. Our congregation sends everything from sun glasses to malaria medicine to be handed out during the week they are there. Along with medical treatment, they also play soccer with the children, teach the basics of mosquito netting, preach, and participate with various activities for encouragement and enrichment for the locals.

I’ll pass on some stories of their experiences as well as mine, as I am wifeless and childless for the week!

Regards,

J-

Traveling

Well, I am sure by now many of you are wanting an update on Michelle’s trip to Italy. You are going to have to wait until next week, after she gets home! I am most certain she is going to have amazing stories of her adventure. Stay tuned….

A couple of days before Michelle left on her trip, she came home and walked right up to me rather determined. I could see it coming, and it was a walk, of, “we are fixing to have a discussion of something of high importance!” I wasn’t really sure what it was going to be about, but I did have enough time to reflect back over the last few days to see if I had forgotten anything: Take the garbage out? Pick David up from ball practice? Did I leave my kids at church? I thought I was free and clear! Then she said, “when were you going to tell me about the terrorist threat in Europe?!”

Alright, I’ll admit it: I wasn’t expecting that one. True, I knew about the terrorist threat. True, I had researched it to the best of my abilities, and determined that there was a relatively low risk of an event happening in Europe during the week her and mother would be there, and even lower probability of something happening in the specific locations on her itinerary. So, based on my analysis, I chose to not mention it to her, saving her any undo anxiety…..

“I didn’t tell you because I saw no immediate threat to your travel plans, and didn’t want to have this conversation we are fixing to have,” I said rather dejectedly. With her hands on her hips, she looked at me in a way that would tell anyone that wasn’t the answer she was looking for, but somehow expecting. I went on to tell her the specific threats, and how I believe she and her mother would still be safe, and that if I felt that there was a possibility of her being injured, I would have asked her not to go. After a while, she began to calm down, but I am pretty sure that even now, I am not completely out of the woods.

Anyway, the week goes on, her mom comes up, we take them off to the airport, and away they went to Italy. Presently, they are having a great time, and I look forward to the numerous stories they will be telling when they return.

The kids have been absolutely awesome the last few days. Don’t get me wrong: they miss their mom, but they seem to know she is ok. We pray each night that her and grandma are safe, and that they return on time, and ok. They just seem to have this peace about them, knowing she and grandma will be ok. I’ll be honest, we have had a few conversations about “missing mommy”, and “when does she get home?”, but for the most part, its business as usual.

I think a lot of their acceptance has to do with my travels to China a few years back. They would escort me to the airport, give me a big hug, and then send me on way for 3 weeks. Those trips were absolutely brutal. But the kids got used to me leaving, and me returning. For them, just going to the airport was an adventure! In the end, they knew I would be back.

But I don’t think it’s just my trips that have helped my kids this time. I think they know God is with mom and grandma, and that He is going to keep them safe. Abby continually sings about God being everywhere. David asks about “going to church” in Italy. Their prayers are focused on keeping mommy safe. We haven’t specifically talked about God’s presence with them on their trip, but something tells me that they believe it.

I firmly believe without a sense of presence of God in one’s life, that life is a lot more anxious. We have to make decisions ourselves. When plans like possible terrorist threats look to derail our travel plans, we start looking to see what we can do about it. The only thing we can do about that is decide to not go! But knowing God is with you, knowing you are saved by a belief in Jesus and what He did for you, knowing you have a unique purpose in this life; these things bring peace to an otherwise anxious life. True, we can make a lot of decisions on our own, but if you don’t have to, why would you?

I think my kids are teaching me a lesson in regards to what Jesus says about having a faith like these little ones. It’s amazing how much we can learn from children, specifically in regards to their faith. They truly believe that mommy and grandma will be ok, and that will be home soon. They just will. Period. Somewhere along the way while we are growing up, we decide what is best for ourselves. How unfortunate is that?

Turning My Brain Off

Michelle and the kids finally got home last night. Every year, Michelle takes them down to her moms to spend the week there. The last few years this has not affected me too much, as I would be in China. However this year, I “had to fend for myself” for a week. It’s amazing how much I just turn off in my head when she is around. I’ll give you a few examples.

Grocery Store

Friday I went to the grocery store to get food for the week. Let me caveat that by saying I pretty much knew I had my weekend and week full for dinners and lunches, because I was going to be eating out with others to discuss business or hangout with college students. But for some reason, come Friday afternoon, I felt like I needed to go to the grocery store. Once I get there, it’s like I draw blank:

“What do I buy? I know I need to eat but what do I eat? Michelle cooks. What does she cook? I don’t cook. I grill. What would I grill? STEAK! Oh, wait I need jetski oil. I can do that! I have done that before. Jetski oil, steaks….. what else?”

By the time it was all said and done, I had spent almost as much as what Michelle would spend in a month for all of us! By the way, I haven’t eaten half of it.

Boat Safety

That evening, I took my jetskis out on the lake to do a test for in the morning. I had some teens planning to ride them, and I wanted to make sure they were riding ok before in the morning. I back the skis down into the water, and notice a LOT of gas floating on the surface. My initial thought was that someone previously had just emptied out their boat before loading it on to their trailer. As a jetski owner, this should have triggered an alarm, an alarm that normally would have been present with my wife and kids around….

I climb on top of one of the skis and begin to try to start the jetski. All of the sudden, a huge detonation comes out of the hull of the ski! This explosion blew the front lid open, shooting the storage compartment 3 feet up in the air! At the same time, a fire ball comes out of from under the seat singing the hairs on my legs. Turns out the gas floating in the lake was from my ski. It had a gas leak, and thanks to the ridiculously hot weather recently, there was a massive amount of gas fumes under the seat, waiting to be ignited.

Cleaning

On the way home on Sunday, our realtor called saying she had a showing. I get home and start looking around for floor cleaner. Turns out, glass cleaner does NOT clean ceramic floor tile! Where does all “that stuff” come from that I sweep off the hardwood floors? It’s only been me here for a few days! How does Michelle arrange the pillows on our bed so they look so “Ethan Allen” like? Do I leave lights on or off? Closet doors open or closed?

Cooking

I finally got around to cooking pizza. Slightly more conscious of my lack of attentiveness to certain tasks, I read the directions for the frozen pizza, and followed it to tee! I was so excited: preheat oven to 450 degrees. Check. Unwrap pizza from box. Already did that. Set on middle rack. We only have 2! Uh…. I’ll set it on the top and hope for the best. I come back in exactly 11 minutes, and the pizza is looking awesome. It’s got that brownish color to it that I love so much. I open the door, reach my hand into the oven, and am a milli second away from grabbing the thing WITH MY BARE HANDS, when a little voice in my head says, “hot.” It doesn’t scream at me like,” HEY! Idiot! Stop before you burn your fingers off!” It very politely and calmly says, “hot.” Thankfully, I listened.

These are only a few examples of how my brain seems to turn off when Michelle is around. There were others, like looking for Q-tips, pillows to sleep on, ceiling fan noise, door for the mailbox, etc. that I am not going to get into. The experience really showed how much I just seemed to have turned over to her. I wonder if she has similar experiences like these?

Being Normal?

I am in the middle of a book entitled: “The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable”, by Nassim Nicholas Taleb. This is a fascinating book that you should be able to find in the business section of your local bookstore. Although it is a finance and investment book, to me, it has more to do with how our mind tries to find pattern and “normalcy” in a world that is all but not. The author tries to help the reader come to grips with this realization.

Chris Anderson, editor-in-chief of Wired magazine does an excellent job in summarizing the book:

“Our brains are wired for narrative, not statistical uncertainty. And so we tell ourselves simple stories to explain complex thing we don't--and, most importantly, can't--know. The truth is that we have no idea why stock markets go up or down on any given day, and whatever reason we give is sure to be grossly simplified, if not flat out wrong….

The problem… is that we place too much weight on the odds that past events will repeat (diligently trying to follow the path of the "millionaire next door," when unrepeatable chance is a better explanation). Instead, the really important events are rare and unpredictable….

Nassim argues that most of the really big events in our world are rare and unpredictable, and thus trying to extract generalizable stories to explain them may be emotionally satisfying, but it's practically useless. September 11th is one such example, and stock market crashes are another. Or, as he puts it, 'History does not crawl, it jumps.'"

Think about this for a moment. Although we see advertisements like, “Why be normal?”, or even some of the sports commercials about being an individual (not with the crowd), subconsciously our society continually tells us to fit into the “Bell Curve” (i.e. strive for normalcy). Even us parents want our kids to “stand out”, but not too much, or their personalities or achievements will bring undue attention on them. Think of children who are extremely gifted with intelligence, art, music, or athletic ability. Whether you agree with me or not, our western culture encourages normalcy. The reason? We can predict normalcy. We can draw predictions from it.

The problem with this concept (if it is true :)) is that it isn’t life. We don’t remember or even perseverate on the normal aspects of our life. We focus, and go back to those moments that are etched, or even gashed into our brains. They are moments in our past that we go back to for reflection, to help us define who we are in the present, moments we cannot get out of our head because they are so painful, and moments that seem so “unlikely” that we try in every way we know how to explain them, but to this day still cannot resolve.

Maybe a personal example can help. Last week, our family spent a few days in Orlando, celebrating my little girls 5th birthday. On one particular day, she dressed as a princess, with tiara and wand, and got to eat with other princesses from Disney World for lunch. It had to be one of the most girly things you can imagine. She absolutely loved it. My son loathed it. He was a good sport and participated, but he was definitely counting down the minutes when we could hit the roller coasters. My little girl soaked it all in, being the little princess that she was.

However, if you had seen her a couple of days before, you would have seen her in the same dress, tiara, and wand riding the GM Test Track at Epcot, laughing and screaming as loud as she could! People in line with us were amazed that such “a princess” would want (beg is the better word) to get on a ride that reached speeds of 70 mph! There was one point where we come off of the “Snow White Ride” (a very slow, tame ride) and she looks at me and says, “daddy, can we go to Thunder Mountain now?”(Thunder Mountain is the fastest roller coaster at Walt Disney World that she was allowed to ride due to height restrictions.) How can I say no to request like that?

The problem with these people that were confused is that they have an idea of what a princess should look like. They have hard time accepting that a cute little girl in a princess dress would actually love riding roller coasters! In other words, my little girl is a “Black Swan” in their version of reality. They would have no problem seeing her with her grandma, playing with her dolls, and waiting on her brother and daddy to get off of the roller coaster ride. That makes sense. To them, that is normal.

But we won’t remember those moments of normalcy. We will, however, remember those moments that are outliers. They are the moments that don’t make any sense. They may not make any sense, but they do make who we are today.

I am certain that there are some people right now telling a story to their friends about these parents that “dragged their children” onto a ride that was not suitable for them (children). They are probably saying something like, “you should have seen that little princess! She had no business at all being on that ride! Those parents have no idea how to raise that little girl! They are only doing things for themselves (parents)!” Oh, how wrong they are, for I have a little girl who is dainty, loves pink, twirls when she walks across a room, but can drop kick like no other 5 year old I know, begs her daddy to wrestle every day, and loves going as fast as possible, even if she is wearing her princess dress!

Thank God for outliers.

Gifts

Growing up, I didn't celebrate Christmas. Well, we did have gifts. Our parents did a good job of making sure we were not left out when all our friends were getting stuff this time of year. I loved opening presents. Over the years, my brother and sister would kid me that the gift wouldn't matter, as long as I opened a lot of presents. It was so bad, that one year my parents got me a drum set, and they wrapped each drum, cymbal, stand, stick, etc. separately. It was actually pretty cool. Frustrating but cool.

This year was different for me and our family, including our extended family. We got our kids considerably less, and requested considerably less. And you know what? It was awseome. Our children were not asking, "do I have another?" Don't get me wrong. It was hard for the grandparents, but they did it anyway. The kids were just fine.

Gifts are an interesting thing. Why do we give gifts? I know we say we give so that we can make someone happy, but then if they don't respond appropriately when they open it, don't we feel disappointed? I mean, I spent so much time, energy, and money on that gift! It is THE gift for them. Why are they not more excited??? Why do we feel disappointed when they don't react the way WE want them to react?

My wife does an excellent job of giving gifts. I think its her "gift". She has this ability to give me a gift that I am not expecting, that is absolutely perfect for the present time. I am not really sure how she does it. Me on the other hand, I am terrible at giving gifts. That's the reason why you should never tell me "thank you" for a gift that the Wilkins family gave you. More than likely, Michelle was the one who picked it out. I'm just saying....

One of our cousins was asking me what I wanted for Christmas over Thanksgiving. I had to think about it. Finally, I said, "you know, a book is always good thing." And this is a true statement. But let's think about this a little bit further: I had to "THINK" about what I wanted someone to get me. I really struggled with this. I mean, I have a good job. If there is something I want, I usually go buy it. I sometimes come home with a surprise for the kids or the wife for no apparent reason. I usually don't save up my wishes for Christmas, create a list, and then hand it out. I guess that is the reason why some say that I am rather "hard to buy for."

But let's dig even further, because that is where I stayed for a few days. After the conversation with my cousin, I couldn't stop thinking about the concept of buying gifts. The reason for this is there are millions, if not billions of people who just don't have anything. Nothing. Zip. And it was that thought that kept popping in my head. It wouldn't go away. Well, it turns out there are a litany of charity organizations that are begging for people to help out. Compassion International is one of these groups that allows you to sponsor a child for just a few dollars a month. Hope International is another that provides micro loans to self employed people in 3rd world countries. Michelle and I presented the concept of micro finance loans to our college group, and they raised $100 dollars that we gave as a group to this charity. They were so excited! And don't miss the importance in this: 100 dollars is a lot of money for a group of college kids! But they saw a situation where they could give something meaningful and how it would be a positive impact in someone's life. My point in all this is that it seems we do not have to break the bank with our own kids and family, because they are usually content. We can actually provide money to those who truly are in need. And this is exactly what Michelle and I are going to do for 2010, and hopefully, beyond.

Back to the conversation with my cousin. I ended up telling him later on that I really didn't need anything , and that I believed he could do better by purchasing a goat for a family through World Vision or some organzation of his choosing. I also told him about Michelle and I planning to sponsor a child. He got back with me later on, and it turned out that he and his wife were planning on sponsoring a child to. How cool is that?! They had been talking about similar concepts and were struggling with what to do. My thoughts only soldified their decision.

I want to be real clear: this is not a guilt blog to make you go out and give money to an organization. That is not my intent. I want people to understand that for many of us, we give gifts for other reasons than to make the gift reciever happy. And for the gift reciever, they usually have the things they need or want. Now, I know you want to give things to your significant other, kids, favorite son-in-law, etc. And these are good things. But, if you really want to make somebody happy, why not give in a manner that provides for people's basic needs?

Knowing God

This post is mainly for the guys in our Men’s Wednesday morning bible class. I wanted to have some follow up on John 17. We had some really good discussion, but I felt like taking some of those thoughts a little further. Below, is a compilation of notes from this chapter.

In John 17: 3, Jesus is pretty clear what eternal life is: Knowing the father, and Jesus Christ, His Son. The next question is, how do we know the Father and his son? The amazing thing, is that this chapter explains this. In short, to know the Father is to have a relationship with Him where any desire or temptation we should have would be quenched. In other words, we would be tempted, but we would not give in to that temptation, because the relationship we have with God is satisfying. So, how do we have that relationship with God?

I believe one way we have that relationship is to know what truth is. Vs. 6-8 Jesus mentions that He “has given them the words that God had given Him”. This is the bible. I believe that Jesus sees this as a very important part of knowing God. He even mentions it again in vs. 17. Part of a relationship with God is to study the bible, and to understand what it says. This knowledge of the bible also helps to strengthen our moral compass. It provides what is right and wrong. Our brain will establish what is right or wrong on its own, if we let it. But to study truth, as God would have it, helps to solidify what is truly right and what is truly wrong. When we desire a relationship with God, we will try to do what He says.

We are also to “live in the world”. I believe this helps in understanding where the world is heading, and how it works. God does not call us to move into isolation, and focus on ourselves. We are to be a beacon of light to the world. Our actions should be such that they are a positive impact on those around us. I think we can also better reach the world by understanding how it works. Science has shown in numerous disciplines that there is a creator, and He is active in different aspects of life, environment, and social structures. We can show, through chemistry, biology, mathematics, physics, etc. that God exists. This “knowledge of God’s creation” can also satisfy that voice in our head that may say, “where did I come from?” I don’t believe that we all have to be researchers, but I do believe that God wants us to recognize His creation around us. We see this in the plants, the blue skies, the water cycle, and the stars, just to name a few. When we look on God’s creation, we see His foot print.

Another way of knowing God is through relationships. Vs. 20 – 24 discusses Jesus’ desire that, not only the apostles, but us as well, are unified. It’s interesting that Jesus mentions that “the world will know You sent me” by the relationships we foster. Of course, these have to be healthy relationships. The relationships we have must be positive in nature. Being unified does not mean we focus on ourselves. We can’t be selfish in a unified relationship. We are focused on others. We want what is in their best interest.

So how do we do that? How do we know God through relationships? I believe we do this through sharing hardships, through fellowship with others, celebrating our successes with each other, and even supporting each other during our failures. In other words: we know each other, we trust each other, we share with each other. When we know those we associate with, we are that much closer to having a relationship with God. Again, God does not call us into isolation. He wants us to have relationships with others. He wants us to be united in our beliefs.

We cannot have meaningful relationships with others JUST ON Sundays. I am sorry, but it just won’t work. Having meaningful relationships with others is dirty business. Think about it: If you are married, do you always get along with your spouse? Maybe you have a best friend. Do you always agree with them? Now, it may be that you know your spouse or best friend so well that you can usually answer for them, but that is different from “never fighting”. Having a true relationship with someone means that you know everything about them. It means that when there is a disagreement, “going your separate ways” is not an option because it is not even in your dictionary. Neither of you would know what that means. You cannot see yourself separated from them. You disagree about a certain topic, yes, but you know that eventually there will be a resolution. Having a meaningful relationship with someone takes work, and it is two sided. It’s funny, being unified is a “two way street”….

I believe that positive relationships are addictive. If others see me in a relationship that is healthy, then they want one as well. As others experience healthy relationships, it spreads like wild fire. I believe this is what God intended. We all desire a close relationship. God made us that way. It’s His way of bringing heaven to earth, and He wants to experience eternal life.

So, eternal life is knowing God. Knowing God is studying His word (and following His commandments – evangelism, helping others, being a positive influence in the world, etc.), studying His creation, and having positive, meaningful relationships with others.

What are your thoughts? Would you add anything to this list?

Not Right Now....

I plan to post about our experiences from Catalyst09 over the next week or so. Below, is one of the more impactful talks I heard.

One of the speakers asked this question: “Does your family get your best, or what is left over from ministry?” His point was that sometimes we use ministry as an excuse when we recognize we are neglecting our families. Ministry leaders are amazingly susceptible to putting families second, third, or even fourth. This is not how it is to be. Family is only second to God. We sometimes forget that, or at least assume that the family understands what the priorities are when it comes to “saving souls”. It’s so easy for us to go off thinking that “only we can save that person”. The whole time, God is looking down on us going, “really? Only you can save that person? Please….” Here is another question the speaker asked that really punched me right in the face: Has your child ever SEEN you say, “No, I cannot do that now. I am playing with my son or daughter right now. It will have to wait until I am done.” Our kids need to SEE what is important in OUR lives.

The hard part about ministry is balancing family life and "ministry" life. If you really know Michelle and I, you know we "try" to solve this problem by combining them. Our children are with us as much as possible. Michelle and I do a lot of ministry work as a team. We will also periodically balance out the kids by having one of us at home when the other needs to do some type of "ministry" thing. Let's face it: Michelle is usually the one who stays home while I go off trying to "save someone". So when the speaker asked the question if my kids ever saw me turn down a ministry role for them, it really hit me hard. Because the answer is no, or at least I can not think of one. What this tells my son or daughter is that"ministry is more important than him or her". Whoa....

As "the man of the house", my first priority is to God, my second priority is to my wife, the third priority is to my children, and then the next is everything else; even if i am a ministry leader. I'll be honest: that is a hard statement to write out. If our children continually see that they are put second when it comes to ministry, this will have negative impacts down the road. More than likely, they will turn away from "church", because of resentment from me always putting ministry first in their lives. The same could be said for spouses as well.

I sometimes assume that doing ministry is putting God first. But that is not necessarily so. Putting God first is having that relationship with Him where you know where you stand. You know He is with you and is for you in all things. You see Jesus in everyone you come in contact with. You work hard every day at your job, performing at it as though God was your direct report. You wake up every morning asking God, "make it obvious who You want me to impact today."

If we are not careful, we begin to think that we are the only ones who can help that person. "I know them better than anyone else", we might say. Or we are the only ones who can grow this church. Our plans are the only thing that are going to help this ministry to succeed. When this happens, we are not doing ministry, because we are not including God in our plans.

Being a ministry leader does not give us a free pass from the responsibilities of our families for the sake "of the Kingdom". So here is my question: If you are a ministry leader, how do you balance time with your family, with your spouse, with your children, with your given ministry?

Bring the Kids Along!

Recently, a good friend of mine told me, “I don’t see how you do it.” He was referring to how Michelle and I do all that we do in the ministry arena without sacrificing time with our kids. One of my good friends wrote a post that I believe sheds some light on our philosophy. However, I feel a little more clarification may be in order.
Michelle and I work with our church family on a variety of fronts. We love the fact that we are involved, but not “in charge” of a lot. True, we are the college ministry leaders, but that really is it in an official capacity. We are also involved in our children’s ministry, the ladies ministry, men’s ministry, youth, worship, and benevolence. When I write it all out, it does seem like a lot. But take my word for it, we do make time for ourselves and the kids on a regular basis. It just may not seem like it from others’ perspectives. When the cell phones go straight to voicemail, the home phone is off the hook, and we are not answering the front door, you know we are having “Wilkins Family Day”.
Anyway, back to what this post is about: I am a firm believer in that ministry is your way of life. We decided a long time ago that we would do our best to not separate our “church life” from our “personal life”. We try to model our life on how Jesus lived His life. We make a point, especially in teaching our children, that there is no difference in church time, family time, or ministry time. When Jesus came on to the scene, He took the sacred (the temple and the laws), and combined them with the common (you and me). I have a post in my head that better explains this, but for now, let’s focus on the fact that God is with us in all settings, not just church. I’ll be the first to admit that we are not perfect. But this is our overall philosophy.
One example is how we run our college ministry. In just about all situations, our children are present when we do something with the college adults. We have the college adults over for dinner once a month. My children are not “dismissed” from the room. In fact, the college adults love playing with our kids, almost as much as our kids love playing with them. Our kids eat dinner with them. They play games with them. In fact, many of my sons’ favorite movies are also favorites of the college adults. There have been numerous occasions where we all found ourselves watching a movie that my son or daughter picked out. We do not tell them to “go play”. This interaction, in my opinion, tells my children that they are important. It is also an environment where they learn from others. And these “others” are those that I trust with my children. If you know anything about Michelle and I, it is that we are very particular about what our children are exposed to. It is our responsibility as parents to raise our children the way God wants them raised. We believe the best way to do that is to have them exposed to numerous and different environments, within the confines of our control! College ministry is a perfect example of that. We have anime, book scholars, community school, gamers, working full time, movie critics, as well as others, in our group. Its an eclectic group! And let’s face it: college adults are cool. Children want to be around “cool” things. So, being involved in the college adults just makes sense. Our children know that we are the college ministry leaders, but they also know that they (my kids) are special.
Another example is our work with an inner city church. Again, we bring our kids along. Our kids see the college adults interact with those that have hardly anything. They see their parents and other adult volunteers interacting with “the least of these”. But more importantly, they themselves are interacting with children their own age that have hardly anything. To me, this is an amazing learning experience for my children. I can honestly say that both of my children do not see “color” or “social status” when they talk about their friends at the inner city church. I love that!
There have been times when we do tell the kids they can not come along. In these instances, I avoid phrases like, “when you get older you will understand.” I do my best to be honest with them, and decide how much of the situation they are ready to hear. “Mommy needs to go bail a girl out of jail.” “Daddy is going to go help one of the guys talk through a difficult choice he needs to make”. As you might expect, these types of statements set off a flurry of questions. We do our best to answer their questions; trying to balance what will satisfy their inquisitiveness, without giving them information that they are not ready for. Again, we the parents are deciding what the best inputs for our children are. There are situations that we feel they are ready for, and others that they are not. There are times when the phrase, “because I said so”, or something similar is used. But we really try to limit those responses.
I’ll be honest, our life is unique. And there are times when I do need a break. I am not perfect. Periodically, things get to me. But in general, this is who we are. We really try to have our kids involved in all the things that we do. Very rarely do we get babysitters so that we can go take care of something “ministry” related. Babysitters are for mommy/daddy dates! We try to teach our kids that God is present all the time. God is with us when we go to the football game. God is with us when we meet with others on Sunday mornings. God is with us when we go to grandmas. God is with us on daddy/daughter night, or mommy/son night. God is with us on “Wilkins Family day”. How about you? Where do your children fit in to your life?